Updated: Feb 23, 2021
This question is the most frequent one that I am getting during lockdown in my consultation with clients. Many of my clients are constantly obsessing with their past. If they are single or even happy in a secure relationship, still in these times they can't stop thinking about their ex. This is not limited to thinking about their past relationships, but also in some cases their past crushes. They mull over the fact that what could have been if they would have went ahead with their crush. Let's understand what could be the reasons when you suddenly start missing your ex:
1. There wasn't a proper Closure
Perhaps, your break up didn't end on a good note. Maybe either they or you suddenly left the relationship leaving many unanswered questions. In this case, if it is possible, meet them and give it a proper and happy closure. But there is a warning, do not meet them with the intention of rekindling your relationship. Remember we are heading for a closure not a reopening. If meeting them is something you wanna avoid, then try calling them or emailing them asking for answers or explaining yourself. If you feel you have done something wrong, please apologise for the same as it will help you move on. Please note, if your relationship was an abusive one and things ended on a harmful note then stay clear of the person and just let go of the past. Here is where a Life Coach can help you move forward in Life and remove the negative thought loop that you are stuck in. Visit www.mindsutra.in to know more.
2. Grass looks Greener on the Other Side
Our Human mind can be our friend or foe. It has a tendency to remain dissatisfied in every situation. This tendency has led to so many inventions & discoveries as we have always tried to improve our circumstances because of our dissatisfaction. But this very same tendency also makes us guilty of wishful thinking. We end up imagining, how it could have been better if we were still with our ex or would have taken things forward with our past crush. As cliched` as it may sound, but grass definitely looks Greener on the other side! But think in this way, when we are on the other side, then we start obsessing what if we would have dated someone else. This is a vicious cycle! To overcome this tendency, disconnect with any online presence of your ex that might be there. When you see constant updates of your ex, it will be very difficult for you to not think of the Greener side.
3. Looking for Thrill
When you are in a stable relationship, monotony sets in. And you start craving for the thrill & excitement that happened in the beginning of a relationship. Even when you are single, you might be looking for thrill & adventure & your past relationships remind you of the thrill of the chase & pursue. Whenever this happens, set some challenging goals for your Life. Try to build your passion. Do those activities which excite you & help you express your creativity.
4. Understand what you wanna feel
Sometimes when our current relationship is dissatisfying in some aspects, we try to fill those aspects externally. For example, a client of mine was missing her ex very badly. She was totally obsessed about the time they started dating and wanted to get in touch with him again. During our coaching session, upon prodding how exactly she felt when she thought about the time she had started dating her ex, she said that she felt desirable & attractive. Thus, we were able to work out that, in her current relationship she didn't feel desirable & attractive. Maybe her partner was overly critical these days due to his own personal issues and was taking out his frustration on her. Her own self worth was low because of which she craved external validation! In scenarios like these, a Life coach can help you identify what thought pattern is becoming a hindrance for you to Live your Best Life. To know more, book a session at www.mindsutra.in/mindsutra-services
5. Being Idle
This lockdown has forced us to look inwards as we have more free time. And with this, we remember lot of things from our past. Usually in idle state, our mind has a tendency to remember things that could not work out or would have been better. This idleness converts into obsessive thinking of that one person with whom our relationship could not work out. The solution for this, be busy. Engage in those activities that challenge and excite you. Do those things that are pending from a long time, like maybe working out goals, reading books, decluttering wardrobe, pursuing your hobbies etc. With this you will feel better about yourself & will be able to stop the obsessive thinking.
This post entailed why we think about our past. When the why is clear, the how part becomes easier. Also remember, it is ok if you have happy memories of your time spent with your ex & use them as inspiration to be Happy in Life but it is totally not ok if you start obsessing about them and can't stop thinking about them. In the coming posts I will talk about how to stop thinking about your ex. Which of the above reasons you could connect with when you are missing your ex? Comment below & let's help each other out.